well I'm surprised you even bothered to write me, but glad you did.

lines in the sand huh?
you think you know my spirituality?
You dare to assume you do?
But you're not arrogant,huh?
No you WERE arrogant, but now you're not, right?
Now you've seen the light and are humble.

You're blind, and ignorant, and seriously undereducated.

I can't reply line by line to all the crap your most recent letter brings me,
but some, some of it yes.

Of course I don't know your experience, saying that's what's known as a
rhetorical device.
you find it in the bizarre arguments of fundamentalists everywhere.
Like you can't know for sure what happened on earth a million years ago.
So you can't talk about it.
No you can't know for sure obviously, but you CAN make informed and
reasonable guesses. And you can talk about them. Nothing in your behavior
or correspondence has done a thing to change my opinion, that you've
submitted to a mild but effective form of brainwashing in return for the
protection of belonging to a group.
"We can only know our own and percieve the world...etc".
That's a protective device.
It requires a lot of energy to get through, and without the motivating
love...why bother?
I already said that huh?
I bother with this because I care about you.
You choose to trivialize that.
Gee you think that has any echoes of your mother in it?
Anyone who offers that level of love to you is obviously a loser right?
Well I saw the potential for this nonsense trip in you from the get, and
THAT'S the main reason I was opposed to that Vipassanna thing, which you
may recall once I saw their website I was much more kindly disposed
toward. I was afraid you'd get sucked in by some groupthink zombie
factory, because I saw your need for structure, your sad hunger for
dependence, your fear and confusion.
The higher motive behind those negative reactions was always concern.
Now I'm responding more to the asinine insults and negativity you send
me, the denial of true friendship, which is the one thing I offered you
all along.
You dishonor that now, repeatedly.
Face it or not, I can see it clearly.
I haven't been to any of the 'meetings' you go to. I don't want to, don't
need to, to see the effects in you. You parrot the jargon like all
newcomers to these types of groups. over and over the same phrases come
out, the memorized responses. And your sense of humor!
Another clear sign of brainwashing. No funny stuff. Just maudlin talk of
god god god.
And if I'm against that I'm against God. Or god. whatever
Fact is I'm not. I've had these arguments before many times with other
zealots.
I'm against these manmade constructions that are what's being called god.
Manmade. Simpleminded evil bullshit, designed to make the members of the
cult/group feel good about themselves. And safe. On the winning team. And
stay in line and don't rock the boat
You won't accept that now,not even as an idea. La di da.
It's probably too late for anything important between us anyway. I don't
trust you. You betray real emotions for safety.
And don't come back at me with how real your emotions are now. You've
known these people for how long? Two months? Hmm?
I believe in a God that lives, a God that isn't dependent on believers in
order to exist, a God that's concerned with more than arrogant humanity,.
The insect buzz of mankind is not the grace I hear. And I see the hand of
God dying in the real world every day.
But no, that's some kind of pagan horseshit right? Well I don't like
pagans any more than fundamentalists.
You make my task here so easy by constantly insisting I'm opposing
God's will. I am blind yes. And willing to admit it.
As you are not. Oh but you say,"I WAS blind." My point exactly. Was_
but not now eh? Bullshit. You're as blind as a ten-year-old child with
the covers pulled up over your head.
I AM blind also, it hurts still, decades worth,you'll never know how
much, how used to the pain I've become, but I've made my peace with it,
as much as I can. I no longer care if I figure it out, or remember all
the things that happened, I don't care if anyone else knows either,
though it would deeply comfort me to know, and for the truth to be known.
But like I said I've made my peace with that.
Delusional? Maybe. Altho my experience has shown me it's the people who
insist they've found 'the truth' who are the most delusional. That would
be you kiddo. I had hopes that you would break through to your own
understanding and go on, not according to my plan, I have no plan, not
according to my world view either, my brain is a mass of confusion and
pain, but go on in your own light, toward something higher than this flat
toneless whimpering of "using" and "recovery".
It was always about going on from that for you, that's what I wanted to
see. You wussed. Totally. Burnt your little feelers on this latest
coke/drink/sex trip, and ran as fast as you could toward the safest place
you could find. Well so be it. Maybe you'll wake up eventually. Though I
still believe there's very little time for that.
Repeat: I do not want you to subscribe to my version of 'reality' because
I don't have one.
You say:
then get clear with yourself and bring forth that which is destroying you
instead of blaming eveyrone else for your situation

Aside from the meaninglessly vague clarity you propose,and the arrogance
of thinking you have that clarity, there's the assumption I'm blaming
everyone else for my situation. Which is a kneejerk cliche you brought to
this. And extremely irritating, not to mention insulting.
I do not do that. I'm real serious here. And very angered by your saying that.
I do not blame everyone else for my situation.
And I haven't for years. I occupy a very narrow line between innocence
and guilt. That is where I live, that is who I am and you can go fuck
yourself with this blaming everbody shit. I never felt that, never said
it, never indicated it,you put that on me because it makes it easier to
do what you want, which is get away from what's probably one of the last
strong voices in your life that's telling you you're fucking up bigtime.
It seems to be a fundamental precept of this pseudo-religion you've
joined that everyone who's not part of the god-cult is operating out of
fear and resentment. It must be nice to be that brain-dead. How simple
the world must look. How easy your choices become.
and here you go again:
><><><
and what truth am i running away from exaclty? your vague definition of
god? am i to accept THAT for my truth-? i feel that you are just jealous
of the truth i have found, like you were in the car when i accepted a
phone call from a friend. look at yourself, before you accuse me
><><
do I have to be able to say it to know you're running away from it? I
don't think so. Another rhetorical device in play.
But whatever it is it's definitely not my definition of god. More like
the buried truth of your earliest years, the trauma you still keep
walled-off, the bargain you made with your mother not to tell, the pain
and the horror and the giving in, the real things that really happened
that drove you to seek blindness, and yes to seek pain that would punish,
wherever you could. That truth. Which is yours not mine. You dishonor my
motives, dishonor my emotions, and ultimately dishonor my own struggle
toward truth, which has been far more difficult than your very limited
experience and knowledge makes you capable of understanding, especially
now with this baby-food spirituality dribbling out of you. But in the
cartoon universe of your present moral landscape, everyone's equal,
drinking and using simply because they fall from God's grace, so... easy
as pie! just get back in there and everything's fine. And anyone that is
repulsed by the simplistic answers and mindless babble is resisting God,
not the group.
><><
sad because it leaves me unprepared for the rest of my life-look at your
own life michael!!!
><><
this is the one that makes me smile.
as though you have the slightest fucking idea what my life has been like.
admit that you don't and I might be persuaded to continue to try to talk
with you. what a fool you are to come up against someone like me with
this horseshit.
I'll say it real carefully.
You don't have a fucking clue what my life has been.
Especially the years between 15 and 25. And your inexperience and
atrophied imagination make it certain you won't begin to get a picture of
those years on your own.
So it's either going to come from me, or from someone else who knows.
But if I'm right, then anyone else who knows is probably as locked up
with it as I am, or on the other side.
And I can't give it to you in a coherent package.
So you won't get it til after.
But after's coming up pretty quickly now.


posted by Juke at 11:22 PM [edit]