I've been thinking about writing this to you for a couple of days now. one thing and another and mostly it's so hard to face these doubts. not the horror not the weird nightmares but the doubt that any of it was real that any of it really happened. somewhere back there was a woman, a girl at the time who told me about being in Westwood. in the top- floor of the UCLA psych ward. there was a name for it I can't remember right now. it's linked with driving down Orange boulevard in Pasadena or close by it. and a shock a realization that the woman who lived up on Sierra Madre in the mansion wasn't the same woman that i was riding with. it's you. but who are you? or who were you? and how will I ever know now? I've made a kind of peace with not knowing but it's dark. evil. bitter and weak is how it feels. but something is gone from inside me now. a control. an implanted command I have no way of knowing. that there was so much of that I haven't the slightest doubt. I remember being in the basement of the house across the street on Barhite or what I thought was the house across the street, but it wasn't was it? and that woman that was shot down behind me that bright day in Graton? was that you? is any of this real? did they win? is it over? or was it ever about winning? was it just that thing that knew it would never live and destroyed so much that it wanted someone else to carry the weight of that? that's speculation. see? I can tell the difference. the part about UCLA is a real valid memory. as is the driving part. and the bitter scorn from someone's bitter heart as she gloated over what they had done to me talking about the german shepherd and it's pavlovian electric simplicity. but that means nothng really. so much in the past. and I always seemed to fall back into that mindless trust. that it would all work out all be OK but it didn't and it isn't going to is it? where are you? how can I tell it's you? was it you that promised a bridge that would hold us, no matter what? I saw so much in those days. but there was false confidence there too. pretending to have a vision. I don't pretend anymore. but I'm blind now.
posted by Juke at 6:29 PM [edit]