{we know these things. no one can be made to do anything they don't really want to do. no one can be hypnotised to do anything more immoral than crow like a rooster or pour a glass of water on themselves. but of course we don't know those things. what I've tried to do here is leave a record of what I've remembered as my life drew to a close. and I've tried to hold back the hunger for revenge that is my constant companion. some of this has led me to an understanding of present circumstances I wish I didn't have. an unimaginably vast audience with instantaneous access and absolutely no memory or depth of understanding. my position is that the technical means of controlling behavior is the most jealously guarded secret anywhere at any time, that that technology is obviously more advanced than it's ever been should not need saying, but it does because we've been raised in the dark, where this filth grows best. it's almost impossible for me to think about these things much less write about them coherently, and still less with the psychic jism of the monitors sliding down my throat. I'll try briefly to set down my main points,
a. the technology of behavior modification was advanced astronomically in the camps of Nazi germany. for the first time in history soulless conscienceless 'scientists' had a pool of human subjects that numbered in the millions.
b. the results of the 'research' that was carried out in that time was never made public, but it was snapped up immediately at the end of the 2nd world war. as in a much smaller version, the results of the Japanese experiments on human beings was gathered up in Asia, at the end of that segment of the war. that was over 50 years ago.
c. some of those records ended up in Russia, which had during the 50's and 60's a huge virtually impregnable apparatus for the control and manipulation of its citizens. but most of it ended up in 'the West' primarily the US.
d. at the same time that this research was being 'processed' or whatever the fuck subhumans do with that kind of shit, the US was in the grip of anti-communist hysteria, which resulted in a great deal of restructuring of society in subtle and not-so subtle ways. I can't bring enough energy to this aspect of the whole thing. the essential point is alien life-forms like JEdgar Hoover were given virtually unlimited power, there were many others not so visible.
e. profiles were established, and a cataloging of sorts implemented. especially in the public schools of the 50's and 60's. the idea that the 'men' who would implement this technology would submit to anything like an accounting process, is laughable. so whatever it was however it was done except in a few exceptional areas is pure conjecture by people like me, who have had to turn to this subject for an explanation for otherwise mysterious events in their lives.
f. there is an aspect to my being that I'm still not ready to submit here as accurate and complete description, that made me of interest not just to the guard dogs of democracy, for my intelligence and leadership qualities, my unpredictable and rebellious qualities, my defiance and my 'deviance', but also something so rare as to be almost mythical, though I believe without any documentation I can point to, that it is not nearly as rare as people would like to think, and that there were again 'scientists' who were aware of that, and sought children like me for those attributes, that attribute, we shared, due to an accident of birth, beyond any cultural or environmental shaping.
g. it is my contention that by the time I was a senior in high school it had become obvious that I was not going to be a willing participant in anything that these necessarily unnamed 'men' were doing, I can't name them because I don't know anything about them. that because it became obvious, because my attitude then was, as it is now, accurately summed up in the phrase 'FUCK YOU', I was the...what?...target? subject? I don't really give a damn how you think of it. that's the big irony for me. I finally found a way and a means to communicate this stuff, to puke it all out-truth and madness, and at the same time as each day passes I care less and less about any of it. there are bodies, deaths, griefs, horrors no one could describe without becoming something other than human, and I don't care anymore if any of it sees the light of day. of course I'd like the truth to be known, what's left of my emotional nature would still respond to healing. but it's too late now, for that love I had, for that promise we shared, and there's no one there, she's gone I think. so this is knee-jerk, fitful spite, I don't know. I know that my life was taken, even as I was allowed to continue to go about the world, bouncing from one blindsiding punch to another, and contrary to what the scumfucks on the monitor hope to be the case, taken before I was 18, yes, before that one bulletproof accusation could be made. by the time that happened I was a corpse. it's the nature of people like me to have more than one self to offer the interrogators. that was our value, that was our status among the pool of subjects. there was more, there is more, but that's enough for now. I think what you're hoping for is a kind of remorse on my part, a showing of guilt and remorse, though I think what you really want is what you think you have now, someone running from a simple dark truth, that with your limited vocabulary and your pitiful abilities you could remind and watch with glee the guilt and horror sweep across his face. sorry. not me. I live every day with more guilt and horror than you could ever bring me, and as heavy as that burden is, my accusations are heavier. no not you. you're a dog for the ones I accuse. you mean nothing to me, even as you take away my last fantasies of hope and rescue. it's like being killed by a dog. it's your masters I accuse. so let this be only a recognition. yes I see you. I hear you. I know why you do what you do to me. but be clear now. it means nothing to me. you're fools, in the fullest sense of that word. I have a capacity for guilt and remorse that would shame the best among you. but that can't come until this other, these other matters are clear and dealt with, until those guilts, that remorse is here too, and in the cases of the now dead perpetrators, a recognition of that guilt on your part, yes you, reading this, with your conviction of what is, convinced because you've been led two levels in and shown a place to stop, where there are no more doors, and your innate cowardice and lack of soul and your feeble imagination makes it so much more comfortable to stop there.}
posted by Juke at 12:26 PM [edit]